So, Where Have I Been

Ok, I disappear for a year and a half and then return without any sort of explanation...no, I didn't think that would be acceptable.

So, here is a little update on what I have been up to. Well, for one I spent a year on three television shows. The first one was called "Desperate Lay Ministers", the second was called "Who Wants to be a Liturgical Abuser", and finally the third was called "Extreme Makeover: Liturgical Edition".

Well, maybe they weren't tv shows, but they would have made for entertaining viewing.

On "Desperate Lay Ministers" aging hippie Catholic tried their best to develop banal activities for children and teens which were sure to waste their time while teaching absolutely nothing about the faith. Bonus points were given if these activities took place during Mass. Most of our time was spent in long meetings where the aging hippies would try to create loopholes in Canon Law and the GIRM. Popular activities including gossipping about the daily activites of parishioners, heirarchy bashing, extolling the beauty of the L.A. Cathedral, and plotting to hold VOTF meetings in the church hall. All of this was done while looking down their noses at the poor schlubs who couldn't afford multi-million dollar raised ranches on tiny postage stamp lots all for the privledge of living on Heresy Lane.

On the spinnoff Who Wants to be a Liturgical Abuser, brought in the new characters such as the pastoral associate, a member of the Sisters of Notre Dame deNamur with an allergy to religious habits and orthodoxy, the pastor with a checkered past of dissention, a organist with traditional tastes in music, and a cantor who moonlights as Mother Superior in Nunsense and loves to make a spectacle of herself during Mass, and a famous Social Justice/Political Commentator priest living in the top floor of the rectory.

Combined with the cast of Desperate Lay Ministers this group developed ideas such as at the Easter Sunday procession of Butterfly Kites, the banner waving parish minister love fest, sorry, they called it Appreciation Sunday, and the Kiddie Mass. Their attempt to pressure the new Youth Ministry Coordinator to be one of homilists at Mass and the falsified parish visitiation makes for must see viewing.

Eventually, the liturgical police decided enough was enough and Extreme Makeover: Liturgical Edition made a visit to the parish. While the pastor was away and the anniversary celebration for another dissenter a young priest was summoned to fill in at the Masses. Gasps were heard when Fr. Faithful arrived wearing cassock. He entered the sacristy carrying a chalice made of a material which was completely unfamiliar to Sister Pastoral Associate. Upon teaching her that the strange material was gold, Sister said "Oh, just like my earrings!" Ok, so maybe that didn't really happen. Fr. faithful laid down the law right away and told Sister Pastoral Associate that the proper set up for Mass included a chalice pall and veil. Sister didn't know where any chalice palls were so Father Faithful went into his suitcase and took out his own stuff. He then went into the church and set up the altar complete with chalice veil. Sister Pastoral Associate couldn't handle it and left immediately before she melted.

Father then confronted the musicians and informed them that "Keep in Mind" was not an appropriate Memorial Acclamation. The parishioners were totally disoriented by the lack of liturgical abuse and the homily in which Father spoke about passe things such as sin.

Even though at the end of the episode, the parish looked orthodox it didn't take long before the rest of the cast returned and destroyed the renovations.

Needless to say, it wasn't long before the producers decided that I wasn't the person for the job and I was let go.

I am now a cast member of Extreme Makeover: Religious Education Edition where I try to turn a parish Cut Color and Draw program into a place where children learn about the Catholic faith. I am assisted by a traditional Catholic school teacher, and two fans of EWTN who serve as teachers and an orthodox but timid priest who tries to keep up with me.